I'm totally going to hell

A few of my online friends have been praying this novena, and it got my attention. 

As many of you already know, our family has been going through a tough time.  A family member is battling cancer.  Our house was robbed.  The kids have been sick.  We're sleep deprived.  We think someone tried to break in again last week.  I've been having health problems.  Things have been tough.  Really tough.  We've been busy.  Really busy.  And...I'll admit it-- I've been avoiding any type of serious prayer (like the rosary) because I felt sorry for myself.  I guess I had the attitude of, Hey God, you know how hard things have been.  Fix it already.  I don't have time for this "pray more" crap.  Just fix it, already, okay?  I keep your commandments.  I go to church on Sunday.  You kind of owe it to me to fix my problems, right?!?!

But, when my online friends started talking about how this Mary, undoer of Knots, novena was bringing about real change in their lives, my interest was piqued.  I started leaving comments and asking questions of my online friends, but I still wasn't ready to start the novena until I read these words by e-friend and fellow blogger, Dwija of House Unseen.  She wrote,

"...I suck at being as reverent as I imagine I should be and then I tell myself that because of my shortcomings, obviously my prayers won't be "real" so why be a poser?  Oh my gosh I have issues." 

Apparently, I have issues too, Dweej, because when I read those words, I realized that I had been avoiding prayer and making excuses for not praying.  Why?  I'm not totally sure.  It certainly was nothing intentional, but probably because I was short on time and couldn't pray the right way.

I'm guessing it all started when we moved (or probably even earlier, when I was living alone in Nevada with three kids for six of the longest weeks of my life while Mike started his new job in California).  Yup.  I'm almost 100% positive that it started then.  Because before that, I was trying my best to make it to daily mass every day with all three kids, and I was definitely saying the rosary every day...because going to daily mass by yourself with three kids makes saying the rosary every day feel like vacation.  Am I right?  Holla'!

So, I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started the novena that night. 

A funny thing happened that first night.  As I read the meditation for day one, I noticed the wording referred to one knot.  For example,

"Most merciful Mother, to Whom Jesus, entrusts everything; deign to grant me the grace to undo this knot in my life."

 

And you know me, I'm bossy.  I mean, I already admitted at the beginning of this post that I say things like, "I don't have time for this pray more crap," to God.  I'm impatient and flawed, and I may even roll my eyes at God sometimes.  And believe it or not, He still loves me and forgives me for when I act like an impatient teenager.

 

And, this, my friends was one of those moments.  I was incredibly annoyed with whomever had typed up the wording this knot on the Internet.  What if the person praying had multiple knots?  Because I had (have) lots of problems = lots of knots.  God couldn't possibly expect me to pray this novena for nine days for each of my prayer intentions, could He?

 

Immediately, I was fuming, and I decided to take the liberty to change the wording of the novena because God would understand, right?  Here's how my prayer went--

 

"Hello? 

Earth to God? 

Kate here. 

Remember me? 

Your faithful servant who is getting crapped on down here on Earth. 

Listen,
this novena refers to one knot,
but as you already know
because You're all knowing
and because I've been sending up quick, angry "God, Help Me!" type prayers
EVERY DAY
 that I'm positive TOTALLY count
because I'm an arrogant jackass,
while at the same time...
drowning my sorrows in red wine and cheap beer

because..

You know...

I don't have time for that "pray more" crap. 

What's that? 

How could you forget me? 

Aww, shucks.  That's nice.
Thanks God. 

I'm sure you meant that with complete sincerity and zero sarcasm. 

Anyway,

back to ME,

I don't have time to pray this nine day novena a million times
(imagine me rolling my eyes)

because

I already have 99 problems,

and this novena ain't one. 

So,

I'm going to go ahead and do what I want

(because we've already established that it's all about ME)

and list all 99 of my problems. 

Okay? 

Thanks for understanding. 

You're super." 

 

 

 

Note to readers: 
I know I'm a horrible person, and that this post is probably sacrilegious.  No need to leave an anonymous comment telling me I'm going to hell. 

 Thanks.

 

 

And then something weird happened.  I felt the need to choose one intention (even though I had already lost my cool and listed everything in my life that needed fixing). 

 

 

What did I choose as a special intention? 

 

 

The same thing I pray for every. dang. night. 

 

 

To be a better mom.

 

 

More specifically, to be a better mom for Maura.

 

 

To be continued.